Desire Smuggling

In the previous article in this series, we discussed Why We Don't Ask For What We Want.

The idea of simply asking for what we want often raises fears.

And yet, just because we fear simply and directly asking for what we want, whether or not that fear may be fully justified, that doesn't mean the desire goes away.

It often gets expressed somehow.



Expressed in some way that avoids the fear.

This is called "desire smuggling".

The desire is smuggled inside of some other statement, request, observation, action, or inaction.

Desire smuggling is one of those things that once you learn about it, you start seeing it everywhere.

Here are some examples of desire smuggling:

When we notice we're using desire smuggling, we can evaluate what the underlying fears are. Perhaps there's something we could do to address the fears directly. Or perhaps after consideration, we realize those fears aren't actually that important, or perhaps actually unlikely.

Which brings us to how to Ask For What You Really Want.